Trying to write, daily, is difficult - especially during a pandemic. Everything feels like a chore; to roll out of bed only to migrate to the couch. Shonda Rhimes tells you to "write everyday" but that seems more and more out of reach. When I started this blog, I wanted it to be where I would be able to share my thoughts, my feelings. At first, it was freeing to be able to write down those thoughts and feelings without any care. Now, it feels taxing. These feelings then lead down a rabbit hole of vulnerability and self-doubt that I wasn't ready to face head on.
And that's where I'm standing: between allowing myself to be vulnerable while staying away from self-doubt. A friend told me that starting a blog was for nobody other than myself. He's right - this blog, this website isn't for whomever may stumble across it and read a line (or the whole thing). It truly is a place where I'm able to write whatever comes to mind. It's a public journal. Do I want this to be good, of course. But with every word comes a little bit - who am I kidding - a LOT of self-doubt.
"Does that last part make sense?"
"Will they (whomever they are) think that was funny?"
"I hope they don't think I'm talking about them"
Writing is difficult enough. It can feel like you're in quick sand, descending slowing into an unknown abyss, reaching for anything to pull yourself out. I feel like I'm in that chest deep in quicksand. In movies, they tell you to be still. I'm not sure how accurate that can be. If it is true, it only prolongs the inevitable. However, I think that now that I'm here, standing still, I'm able to see what's really out there. I may be in quicksand, but as I look around, there are many things that I can grab on to to pull me out to safety. This blog isn't for anybody but myself. It's not quicksand at all. Rather, it's a pool and I'm tall enough to touch the bottom.
The pandemic hasn't made it easy. On the contrary: it's exaggerated all of the small things that you can't control and turned them into giant, six-headed monsters. That's where my self-doubt comes in and the last thing I want to do is write something that, later on, I question why I even did it. The only person doubtful is myself. And maybe Shonda - I'm calling her by her first name, like I know her - is right: I should write every day. Even if it's "bad". Because it's with the "bad" writing that you find hidden treasures. You can only find them if you search for it, and writing every day is something that I need to do.
And that's what this short post is: allowing myself an opportunity to write something, anything, to show myself that it's okay to not have much. It's okay that it's not perfect, that it's not always cohesive. Writing is hard; I don't know how professionals do it. But, I'm going to try and try until I'm able to find something that I can latch onto.
Title: Running On Empty
Artist: Jackson Browne
Year Released: 1977