Everyday, I tell myself "today is going to be different. Today is going to be my day, where I'll do something that even I wasn't expecting to do." And everyday, like clockwork, I find myself explaining away why I can't - or won't - do it. These days have become more and more frequent. In all honestly, this pandemic has been rather unforgiving.
For almost a year now, this pandemic has made me realize many things - about how I view myself (both good and bad), how I view others, what I want from life. And, relatively, those things have been positive. Through all this, I've found that I'm resilient, that I'm able to get things accomplished (sometimes) when I can focus and put my mind to it. I've also realized what it is that I'm passionate about have been able to find ways to rekindle that passion. This blog, for starters, is one of those things that I've become passionate about. Am I the most prolific writer, I don't think so. But, I enjoy doing it and hearing that people have enjoyed reading the things that I've written. This blog has become a way for me to sit down and scratch things off the list of things I've always wanted to achieve. This blog has also made it so I can't hide from things that have been in deep parts of myself. So deep, in fact, that I've forgotten that I've buried them.
And that's where this pandemic has gotten difficult for me. While I am a cheerful, happy-go-lucky person, there is are deep rooted emotions that I never realized were there. Or, perhaps, I did know that they were there, but I kept stuffing them in, packing it full until, finally, the seams burst. While I don't think I've burst just yet, I feel as though I'm packed in, shoulder to shoulder with these emotions that the only way to make room is to keep stuffing until I burst or to throw some of it away.
Did that make sense? Not entirely. But that's the luxury of doing this blog the way that I do. It's a stream of consciousness. When you read this, whomever you are, you are seeing my thought process in one fell swoop (and yes, I had to look up the idiom to get it down correctly because I thought it was "one foul swoop" which, I guess, is wrong). I digress...
What's the point of all this? I'm still not entirely sure. What I am sure of is how difficult this pandemic is and that I am, almost, to my breaking point. There are things that I can and cannot control, I'm aware of that. Are there things that I could be doing alleviate the stress, feelings of anxiety, of uncertainty? I'm sure there are. For me, though, when I get the courage to do so, I get overwhelmed and then get swallowed by it. Like Jonah and the whale, but I feel like the whale won't be a merciful for me and instead of blowing me out to save a city, will instead swallow me whole.
This is where my mind wanders when I'm in these bouts. And what do I do when I'm having these feelings? I compare myself to others through social media, making matters worse. Seeing the people I follow having such a great time, in the midst of a global pandemic, has me wondering what it is that I'm doing with my time. Should I be out exploring parts of the world that I've never been (and there are a lot of unexplored parts, because I haven't done much exploring) because it's cheap to do so? Why haven't I been doing the home workouts that so many appear to be doing, and gotten my body back to where it was in my peak athletic days? I look at every notification with dread, knowing that it's going to lead me down the rabbit hole of self-deprecation and inadequacy.
I recently watched "The Social Dilemma" on Netflix, and it resonated with me. I am just like that, seeking out likes and approval from any- and everyone that will give it to me. It made me wonder who I really as an individual and what am I addicted to. For me, it's Instagram and Email. Every notification I get, I have to check it, especially if I see the Instagram or Gmail logo. And I'll spend hours on both, endlessly scrolling through stories and feeds on Instagram. Reading all of my emails, even the ones in my spam folder. And for what? They only leave me with paranoia and more feelings of inadequacy. So much so that I'll check my email more frequently than normal because I saw something in my spam that said I had been hacked.
Jokes on them: if I am truly hacked, they'll find that I'm broke as hell, my credit score isn't great, and that I watch porn (but honestly, who doesn't when there's a global pandemic?)
Well, that's that. Social media hasn't been helpful, so I'm going to take a break from it for a little bit. Do I think it'll help, I truly hope so. It's time to turn off my notifications, change passwords, delete apps, and take back control of the little things in my life.
And if you've read this little blog, thank you. As a reminder: each of my titles are a song that I think match with the blog that I've written. It may make more sense if you listen to the song before or after you read. I always list the artist at the end of each blog.
Until next time
-G
Title: Anxiety
Artist: Julia Michaels feat. Selena Gomez
Year Released: 2019